My Wife Saved My Life

At lunchtime one day last year, I was going about my business trying to manage my severe afternoon exhaustion due to chronic illness while sitting upright in my bed eating a chicken burrito, hold the cheese, from Chipotle, when I suddenly started choking on a large bite of the dry tortilla/rice/chicken.

Somehow, I was able to dash into the hallway and call for help, though barely audible. My wife screamed for my oldest son to call 911, but he couldn’t find her phone (we have no landline).

Running up the stairs faster than you can say, “Extra guac, please,” she descended on me and delivered three hard slaps to my back, to no avail. Seconds from death, I was able to eke out, “Do the Heimlich maneuver.”

“I don’t know how to do it!” she screamed back.

Then, suddenly, I was twice lifted off the ground during a series of severe chest thrusts — more like massive bear hugs — in her desperate attempt to do the Heimlich maneuver.

On the fifth one, I could finally breathe again.

The next morning, when I told my online friend Carlito what had happened, he responded by saying he’d seen an uptick in people choking on dry burritos. I wouldn’t be surprised if Carlito is still studying this new trend.

Oh, and thank you to my wife for saving my life.

Comments

So my wife’s going to a gala tonight — as her client’s “date.”

I’m 44 and my wife is 44. She works on an art advisory committee, so attending galas, events, and client meetings is part of her job. She often meets clients for coffee, lunch, or dinner, and I don’t always know the details and that’s completely normal because it’s part of her work. She’s always professional, transparent about her friendships, and I trust her judgment completely. Recently, she mentioned she’s going to a gala with a friend, S. He’s a wealthy client she met about a year ago, and they became friends professionally. She introduced me to him once, and he seems like a genuinely good person. He invited her as his “date” to this gala, and my wife said it’s fine. I did ask her though, if she’s actually going as a “date,” and she just laughed and said, “Date doesn’t always mean romantic.” She said it’s important for her she could get networking and meet new people. Then she smiled and said, “If I get into this gala next time, I won’t need to take that man with me, I’ll take you...

I accidentally started a fake relationship with my dentist’s nephew and now I have to bring him to my cousin’s wedding

I swear this isn’t as insane as it sounds. Or maybe it is. I don’t know anymore. So I had to get my wisdom teeth pulled last month. All four. It was horrible. I cried when they put the numbing stuff in. Not from pain, just vibes. The dentist was this sweet older guy, probably in his 60s, super gentle, gave dad energy. Anyway, after the whole thing I’m in the waiting room with a mouth full of gauze, looking like a bloated chipmunk and trying not to drool on myself. This guy walks in. Maybe 20-ish. Tall, curly hair, kind of goofy looking but in a hot way. He smiles at me and goes, “You look like you fought a squirrel and lost.” I flip him off. With love. Apparently he’s the dentist’s nephew. He was dropping off lunch or something, I wasn’t listening. I was trying to keep my face from leaking. He sits down and starts chatting with me while I wait for my ride. I don’t say much because again, gauze goblin. But I must’ve made an impression because later that night I get a message on Instagr...

I got into a fight with a Netflix actor and didn’t even knew who he was

So this happened last year. I was working as a bartender in this kinda fancy bar in LA where a lot of people come to show off. You get influencers, actors, TikTok people… that kind of crowd. One Friday night, this guy comes in with a girl. He looked like some Hollywood dude. Tall, kinda flashy, wearing expensive shit, beard perfectly trimmed, just screaming “I think I’m important.” The girl he was with was one of those types that look like they live on Instagram. She didn’t say much. He, on the other hand, was being loud and acting like he owned the place. Demanding a table that was already reserved, talking down to waitresses, trying to be funny but really just being a jerk. Then he said something to my coworker (who’s really sweet btw) like: Are your hands good for anything other than pouring drinks? She just looked shocked. I saw red. I told him, Yo man, maybe treat people like people, not like background extras in your life. He gave me that look like, you don’t know who you’re tal...

Bimql chhetry.

Search This Blog