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That time my grandma tried to set me up with our waiter (I was not his type).

Several years ago I was at dinner with my whole family, parents, brother, grandparents. Our waiter was extremely attractive. Broad shoulders, well dressed, well groomed hair, cute smile, sweet personality, EXTREMELY FEMININE. My grandma uncharacteristically had a margarita at dinner and starts bumping my shoulder and smiling coyly at me saying, “Oh, OP, isn’t he cute? He seems about your age!” I was like “grandma I don’t think I’m his type” which she took as a challenge, apparently. Every time this poor dude came by my grandma is talking me up, “Oh my grand daughter thinks you’re so cute! Shes in college you know? Very smart girl. Isn’t she beautiful? Yeah, she won’t be single for very long.” I would have been cringing under the table but our waiter caught on to what was happening and played her up! He starts winking at me, flirtatiously waving at me across the restaurant, when he brings me more water he says, “for my future girlfriend” and “for the most beautiful girl in the room” ...
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I found my wife’s diary. I don’t think we’re gonna stay together.

My wife and I have been together since we were teenagers. We met when I was a sophomore and she was a senior. There was something exhilarating about that age difference. I felt like such a badass “cool kid” for being able to swing a date with not only a senior, but a genuinely good-looking one at that. I used that exhilaration to my advantage. Built up my confidence. Learned from her maturity. Hell, she’s the one who taught me how to drive. We made it through the honeymoon phase, and by some miracle of God, we prevailed when she ended up going to college while I was left behind in high school for another two years. That’s not to say it wasn’t difficult. I learned a lot about myself in those two years. It’s kind of insane how paralyzing separation anxiety is. My insecurity grew more and more each day. That’s probably why I asked her to marry me immediately after purchasing our first apartment. I hate saying this just because it makes me sound so creepy, but she was mine. She was the on...

The old man at the local diner bought my coffee for three years. Today, I found out why.

I’m typing this with shaky hands in the parking lot of my local diner, and I just really need to share this with someone. Three years ago, I was at my absolute rock bottom. I had just moved to a new city after a brutal breakup, my bank account was completely drained, and I was working a miserable entry-level job that barely paid for my rent. Every Tuesday morning, I would treat myself to a single $3 black coffee at a small, retro diner down the street. It was my only luxury. On my third week going there, the waitress came to my table, put down my coffee, and said, "The gentleman at the booth in the back covered it for you." I turned around and saw an elderly man wearing a faded veteran cap. He just gave me a gentle, polite nod and went back to reading his newspaper. I was too embarrassed and shy to go over, so I just mouthed "thank you" and left. The next Tuesday, it happened again. And the week after that. Eventually, it became our unwritten rule. Every single Tue...

Girlfriend thought I cheated but I'm just stupid.

I used to have a girlfriend in 2012, let's call her Doris for the purposes of this story. She would often times leave articles of clothing at my house and I lived in a "frattish" house with 4 other bro dudes. When we broke up these said articles of clothing would circulate through the laundry and nobody ever knew what to do with them so I think they just went back into the laundry like 10 thousand times. Cleanest pairs of panties on earth. Eventually I moved out of this house and went into an apartment with one other bro dudes and by this time I had another girlfriend (for around 8 months if I remember right.) Let's call her Caitlyn. At this time in my life I was a monster pot head. Like wake and bake, you know the type. I was doing laundry one day and these pink panties were mixed in with my laundry. They were Doris's. I didn't even think anything of it because I'd seen them a million times. So I tossed them on my dresser but they slid to the other side ...

My little sister tried to pretend she was okay going empty handed to her friends brithday

My little sister got invited to her first sleepover this weekend for her friend’s birthday, and honestly the whole thing has been making me emotional. It’s just me, my mom, and my little sister at home, and money has been really tight lately. We’ve been stressing for days because all the other girls were talking about the gifts they got. One bought the birthday girl a cute dress, another got her a gift card, and someone else ordered one of those skincare sets girls are obsessed with right now. Meanwhile my sister kept pretending she didn’t care about bringing anything. Last night she quietly asked me, do you think it’s weird if I go empty handed? and I swear that question broke me a little. You could tell she was embarrassed but trying not to make our mom feel bad. Then my boyfriend overheard us talking about it and disappeared into the other room for a minute. He came back holding a pair of airpods he had literally just gotten for himself and said, just let her give these. It’s okay....

one of the funniest flirts I ever seen

Yesterday I was sitting in a small café, pretending to study but mostly watching people and drinking coffee. Then this guy walked in, looked around for like two minutes, clearly trying to build confidence to talk to a girl sitting near the window. Finally he walks up to her and says: “Are you Wi-Fi? Because I’m really feeling a connection.” I honestly expected the biggest awkward silence ever. But she didn’t even smile at first. She looked at him very seriously and replied: “Maybe. But the signal is weak. Try standing closer.” The guy actually took one step closer like an NPC in a video game. At that moment even the barista started laughing. The funniest part is that instead of dying from embarrassment, the guy continued the joke and said: “Okay, now I have full bars. Do I get unlimited access too?” And somehow… it worked. They ended up talking for almost an hour like they already knew each other. Meanwhile I was sitting there thinking that if I tried the same line, I’d proba...

Ate magic mushrooms, connected to ancient alien messages, then went clubbing and almost got arrested

So yesterday was saturday and i thought my day would be normal, maybe chill in the sofa watching a movie or go out for dinner. But then a package arrived home and i remembered two weeks ago i bought some magic truffles from Holland called “Atlantis”, the package weighted 15 grams and i decided to just yolo my day and eat them. It stared pretty chill just seeing weird visuals and that but then it got pretty intense and i stared to reflect on my own life and persona and bla bla bla personal conflicts, and then at one point at the peak i started hearing a weird frequency that sounded pretty alien to me, like the song from the ritual in “Eyes Wide Shut” but more daft punk and very alien like, it started sounding in my brain and i got afraid because it was really weird. After my alien connection the effects went milder and i just found myself dancing in front of the mirror and doing weird shit for like 2-3 hours, it was aswesome actually. Then i got dressed like very fancy, i put come coll...