I was supposed to be a ‘lesson’ for my mom

My mom had me two weeks after turning 15, in the spring of 99’, at home in quiet shame.

Growing up, I had it drilled into me that my mom was the problem. I mean what kind of irresponsible sl\*t gets pregnant at 15, right? I hated her for it when I was a kid, she stole my childhood too after all. She never knew how to be a mom. She decided to keep having kids and never stopped to actually become the mom we needed. It was easy for resentment to build.

It wasn’t until I grew up and became a mom myself before it fully clicked for me. The same people that would tell me what a failure my mom was, were the same people that failed her. It’s hard to admit something like that, so they don’t. Instead they project, yes I’m sure my mother was a difficult child but also my grandparents made many bad decisions too!

My grandmother used me as a lesson. She just hoped I’d be exhausting enough that my mom wouldn’t do it again. It worked for a while. My sister was born when I was 4. We joke that she’s my first child.

One of my earliest memories is of the first time my mom left us home alone. There was a fire in an adjacent apartment building, and my mom wanted to shoot her shot with the firemen. I’m really not sure how long she was gone, I was freshly 5, so it could have been 30 minutes could have been several hours. I remember watching her leave from the dingy window with the dripping AC unit wedged in it. I remember that being the first time I truly knew I was alone in the world.

I waited at the window a long time hoping to see my mom return,but eventually my baby sister’s fussing would catch my attention. She was left in her highchair. I was too short to see over the tray table, so I told her not to worry and I pushed her highchair up to the counter. Then I pushed a chair over for myself and sat on the counter so I could reach to give her baby puffs until our mom came back

No one cared about me as a person, I’ve been a tool for my family since before I was even born.

Thank you for reading, I’ve always thought I’d write a book to cope but I feel very out of my element writing. I would greatly appreciate any and all feedback.

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