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I accidentally started a fake relationship with my dentist’s nephew and now I have to bring him to my cousin’s wedding

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I swear this isn’t as insane as it sounds. Or maybe it is. I don’t know anymore.

So I had to get my wisdom teeth pulled last month. All four. It was horrible. I cried when they put the numbing stuff in. Not from pain, just vibes. The dentist was this sweet older guy, probably in his 60s, super gentle, gave dad energy.

Anyway, after the whole thing I’m in the waiting room with a mouth full of gauze, looking like a bloated chipmunk and trying not to drool on myself. This guy walks in. Maybe 20-ish. Tall, curly hair, kind of goofy looking but in a hot way. He smiles at me and goes, “You look like you fought a squirrel and lost.”

I flip him off. With love.

Apparently he’s the dentist’s nephew. He was dropping off lunch or something, I wasn’t listening. I was trying to keep my face from leaking.

He sits down and starts chatting with me while I wait for my ride. I don’t say much because again, gauze goblin. But I must’ve made an impression because later that night I get a message on Instagram: “How’s the squirrel wound?” followed by a squirrel emoji and a heart. Turns out he found me through the office's tagged posts. (Creepy but honestly I respect the hustle.)

We start talking. Like a lot. Every day. He’s funny, makes fun of me in the exact right way, sends pictures of his food that he thinks looks impressive but is objectively terrible. It’s kinda cute.

Now here’s where it goes off the rails.

My cousin is getting married next weekend and I may have lied and said I was seeing someone. I didn’t do it to be shady, it was just my aunt kept saying, “You’ll find someone one day,” like I’m a Victorian spinster or something. So I panic-lied and said I was bringing someone.

My mom gets excited. The group chat explodes. Suddenly everyone wants to meet this mysterious man. I try to backpedal, say he might not be able to come. My cousin says she already added him to the seating chart. With his own salmon.

So what do I do?

I tell dentist boy. I say, “Crazy idea, want to be my fake wedding date next weekend to meet 87 drunk relatives and pretend we’ve been dating for two months?”

And this man says: “Only if I get a backstory and a safe word.”

We now have a full fake relationship lore. We “met” at a farmer’s market. He “rescued” my reusable bag from blowing into the street. Our safe word is “kumquat.”

The wedding is in five days. I ordered us matching outfits. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

But also… I kind of really want to kiss him.

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