So, I have a 5-ft schlong, and I’m just trying to learn how to live life with it. Tell you what, just tried to pee at a urinal, and it was such an awkward and embarrassing situation. Obviously, just undoing the zipper is gonna be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. So the belt comes off, the button gets opened up, the zipper goes down, and then it’s time for what I call the “big reveal.” Admittedly, it looks like someone sliced open my abdomen and my colon was hanging out in a tangled mess in my pants. I can honestly say nothing about it looks attractive. And then, you know, you just kind of have to start untangling things and searching around, and yeah, you’ll figure it out eventually. But it has to end up straight if we’re going to get the job done, cuz any knots or kinks in there, it’s just not going to happen. I’ve had this thing my whole life, so it’s not like it’s a new thing, you know. After several minutes of the most efficient untangling of my penis that I can possibly perform, even with my lifelong experience, I glance around and notice that in every direction I look, I see someone who was staring at me and immediately looks away. And, you know, I get it. Like, it’s weird to see someone standing at the urinal making a bunch of movements with their arms and just generally clearly putting some work into something for 5 minutes straight. Most people don’t do that at the urinal. But also, isn’t it more weird to just stand there after you’re done peeing, watching someone for 5 minutes? That’s weird on them. That’s pretty gay. So, you know, everything’s straight as an arrow and good to go, but as per usual, it is just sitting on the floor at this point. Like, it obviously doesn’t just exist at any point above the bottom of the urinal. Come on, we know this. So I go ahead and make the classic arc that I do, and I hold it delicately in just the right parabolic curve so that when I start to flow, it’s going to basically complete a sine curve and make its way back into the urinal. Everything’s very precise. You have to do this at the exact proper angle to make sure that it all ends up where it’s supposed to go. But we’re professionals. This is nothing for us. I don’t know why I keep saying stuff in the plural. It’s not like I have an assistant to help with my 5-ft schlong. Anyways, after a successful and extremely satisfying urination, I attempt to put everything back into its resting place. I try my best to do so in an organized manner so that next time, maybe I won’t have to sit there fucking around while everybody stares at me for 5 minutes. But again, I really feel like that’s a weird thing on them, for sure. And we get everything situated, everything’s tied up, everything’s good. So I wash my hands, for sure, because I just touched 5 ft of dick, so it’s very important to be clean after that. And that’s just a typical trip to the washroom for me. Unless I also have to take a shit. Then we’ve got a whole other situation. First of all, I don’t pee sitting on a regular toilet. It’s not possible. It’s just not. So that’s my secret: urinal first, then I take a shit. The order of operations is very important. Once we get into the stall, the pants come down, and it’s time to assess the position and organization of the penis and make a game plan. Because, you know, it’s probably tangled up. We just packed it away. There’s no reason to assume anything in there is going to be cooperating. As I sit down, I’m grabbing and collecting together anything I possibly can. Just gathering things up as we descend. And by the time I reach a fully loaded seated position, ready to let the dogs out, my arms are completely full and everything is a tangled mess. But we’ve done this before. We know how this goes. Eventually, I’m going to have to wipe, and that’s going to require hands. Currently, both of those are occupied holding an armful of penis. So the idea is to use our time wisely and untangle while we’re doing our business. We’re sitting here anyway. Might as well get some work done. Hopefully, by the time I need to wipe, I’ll have figured out how to get this thing out of the way. And just generally, honestly, the easiest thing is to let it flop on the floor, man. We did all that work, we assessed the situation, we made a game plan, and that’s still where we end up. Now, I’m aware that people tend to look under stalls to see if someone’s in there. And maybe the person next to me can see a little bit of what’s going on, even just out of their peripheral vision. It’s unfortunate. I feel like this should be considered a disability, honestly. But anyways, my apparently non-disabled penis will be flopped on the floor for anyone to look under and see. So I’m going to be hasty, and I’m going to be efficient. Get cleaned up, get that thing tangled back up, and get it packed away so it’s flopping around in public view for as little time as possible. Then I wash my hands again, obviously. We’ve had a very involved afternoon. Also, no one will have sex with me, and they probably never will. And quite frankly, I would find it deeply unsatisfying. I don’t even masturbate because, like, bro, it’s like 1% of my penis at a time, you know what I mean? I don’t know the exact math, but it’s not enough. No matter what you do, it’s never worth it. I’ve never even come except from a wet dream, so realistically, that’s my best bet. And I dream often about having a regular-size penis that women can actually use for fun activities. Like, bro, I could literally skewer someone alive, and you could roast them over a campfire on my dick. It’s just awful. Why the fuck would God make me like this? Anyways, yeah, just sharing a little tidbit of my life. submitted by /u/AssumptionTop653 [link] [comments]
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