(sorry for bad grammar) last year, we moved out the city into a remote town. my dad transferred us to a religious school and i absolutely hated it. it was a pretty rough time for me because i was isolated and i found it challenging to fit in my new school because i knew no one there. eventually, depression caught onto me and i fell into a state of displacement. despite that, i was immediately friends with the outcast in our classroom (i'm saying this because literally no one wants her to be in their friend group, not to insult her) and i felt oddly connected with her because i know how it feels to be dislodged from society. she became my confidante. in a place where i was surrounded with pretentious smile and social climbing wannabes, she was a breathe of fresh air. we happily discussed about our interests and she was the one who made me embrace the inner weird kid in me. during our lengthy conversations, she mentioned once that the boy in our class had always made fun of him because she liked one of his friend. i know my friend is admittedly weird, but it was unfair that they had only openly picked out on her just because of her liking a guy when other girls also takes a liking on him too... nonetheless, she warned me about that boy. which was old news to me, because other people did. like, really warned us to never get caught up with him. at first i thought nothing of it. i genuinely thought of myself as one of the losers so if someone as shallow as him could bully someone like my friend, i was pretty much "bully-able," if not, unworthy of their attention. but i underestimate myself apparently, because whenever i get called in front of class, the boys would give each other subtle nods or teasing a classmate about me. it became apparent for me as well that even the girls i considered as popular had frequently approached and invited me to some of their hangouts. which was also not a big surpriae for me, becaus elike i mentioned, it was a remote city, with an isolated community. someone new like me who grew up in the suburban and was still adjusting to thwir norms, would of course not escape their periphery. and the price i pay for it was of course that specific bully we were talking about, had his attention on me. weeks after, it was our school's sports festival, and because the school was not that big, we were divided into four groups. and one of those four groups, i was co-leading with the bully. which was... just great. dreading. but ultimately, i thought our pair was just randomized. but looking back at it, it might've been a set-up by our p.e. teacher. for the school sports fest, i had no idea what sports i'd join, so one of my classmates invited me to join volleyball practices instead. so i did. unbeknownst to me, he was joining as well. at first it was subtle. the lingering eye contact, the sudden shift of action when i enter the room, one time even 'psst' me and immediately ran away (which was childish but kinda adorable) and also calling out my name for no reason at all. but the cleat verdict was when he sent me a friend request in the blue app, and i immediately told my friend about it. she was also confused. but then she once jokingly said, "maybe you should get with him so we can take revenge on him for bullying me." i sighed. duh, my reaction was-- HELL YEAAHHHHH!!!! for someone who's social status had not reached its peak, i felt like this was straight out of an awful romcom series that was looking forward to despite getting warned repeatedly he was not someone you wanna be tied with. i left his friend request in an open for about 3 days until he had enough and approached our coach to tell him indirectly to me to acknowledge his friend request. eventually, i did. around that same hour i accepted it, almost immediately he texted me, saying, "you finally accepted my friend request." we had small talk. and honestly? his typings completely threw me off the roof. it was a clear sign i shouldn't even consider what i was about to do. being the stupid ass i am, that very next day, i said yes to him. and immediately right after that, i regretted it. and after sucking it up for a week and not twlling it to my friend, i finally gathered the courage to tell her. we were at our usual hang out spot when i said "hey, so, i have something to tell you..." then she said, "what? you and (the bully's name) got together?" which was a wild guess too HAHA and i just stared at her. and she stared at me. then her face did that thing where you realize something. "oh...." she muttered. then she bursted out laughing. i immediately told her everythinggggg. i even scrolled through our conversation, told her how it started, so on, so fourth. the tension was clear. we were both on full swing into breaking this guy's heart and say i wasn't that into him and was just playing him, in my mind, was a brilliant plan because thank goodness i wasn't attached to him romantically--i was just into him out of curiosity. but there was just ine barrier: we were in a religious school. and in that religious school, obviously: dating was not allowed. and the punishment for it? suspension. which in all my glorious academic standing, was a nightmare. but half of my classmates were also secretly dating one another, i said: fuck it. i kept the act. i kept the relationship even though it cringed me the hell out. i continued the corny shits and consistently updated my friend about what was going on behind the scenes. what she was unaware about was i said yes to him because i was caught up with being isolated and displaced. i genuinely thought that the only way i might be able to regain my happiness was to date someone. and whenever i sent screenshots to her, i purposely leave out other informations. like holding hands with him, (my religious self was overwhelmed) him escorting me back home, walking with him, and hugging. we never did anything serious and we just put it just there. which was a relief cuz there is no way in hell is my first kiss gonna be with him! there were times, i admit, it didn't feel like a game, and it just felt like what couples did. where i fel loved, where i made him feel loved, and it just felt... good. but i knew i never let out informations of myself. i knew i only enjoyed the idea of dating and never got into that deeper sense. but he was a sweetheart, that it made me compare him to how he was considered as a threat. i took it as an opportunity to at least change his character and told him about behaviors that made me upset with him. and surprisngly... he was making significant changes. classmates who knew about us told me he was never like that. some teachers (they cool teachers fr) who knew about us also said the same thing. that he almost was completely and utterly whipped. he also stopped poking fun at my friend. my friend noticed this too. but there was one thing that kept me up: i wasn't sincere with him. and the guilt of treating him as an entertainment and a dumpster of my loneliness caught up with me: a man who is considering a future with me was not a good route. and frankly, i was still insincere and still... not so in love with him. i eventually realized he never deserved any of that. even my friend agrees that he doesn't. and so, i ended things with him before the sports fest. it was a breathtaking record of just a month. wow. it happened all at once from what i remembered. despite our break up, he was still most attentive. he was supportive during our volleyball matches (i was benched the whole game but he somehow convinced my team to let me play at least once), bought me a drink, was still painully obvious at trying to get my attention and all that sort. after the game, he was the MVP of volleyball and got a medal for it. our team! and after the match, we went to an empty classroom and he gave me the medal. i said i can't accept it, but then he said the only reason he joined volleyball practices in the first place was because i was in it. after getting home, i couldn't stop thinking about how romantic that was. and then he texted me. he told me he wanted to give me something. and because i'm a hopeless romantic, i snuck out the house and secretly met up with him. i still remember the interaction and how awkward it was. because i said, in real time, if we could guve it another chance. and he smiled cheekingly and said ok. after that, we fist bumped. but this is the part where i ruin myself. i actualky wanted to give this a try and express myself more better. and this time: i didn't tell anyone about us. but this time around as well, guilt caught up with me. after a month into it, my dad caught me in a videocall with him. he let it slide, but it was clear he was disappointed. and i was... also disapponted with myself. the weeks felt hollow all of a sudden with him. eveything felt insincere, everything felt out of place once again. the once electrifying spark faded into a dull thing whenever we did the same routine over and over again. until i couldn't take it anymore. i told him about it. he listened, and he said it was fine. that’s when i realized he was also just enjoying the idea of being ina relationship. relinquishing being the giver. giving him something he had never experienced before. i never told anyone that the relationship felt full because i was hiding it from people i care about the most because of fear of judgement, as well as guilt behind like i was fooling my family as well. i was supposed to be a role model, but i prove to be unfit for that. i just wanted it to end. one particular day, it was our monthsarry. he bought me gift inside was a hoodie and a letter, which he specifically told me to hide. he brought it inside school premises because he couldn't reach out to me outside school anymore (i repeatedly refused to meet up with him because guilt was consuming me) then i was called into the office to discuss about our upcoming event outside school. after the meeting, the letter ive been poorly hiding up my sleeves had dropped. long story short, one of the teachers found it, took it to the principal's office, reviewed the cctv footage and then they confirmed it was mine. i cried over him through text when i ended things with him after the gift. i was supposed to give him a gift but i postponed it. i remember i told my mom for the very first time... we were never close. and i never ever had these allegations before. but me bringing it up... made her upset. i was anxious, yes. but at the same time, it felt freeing. parents were summoned in school. class suspension and punishment was established. i faced the consequences, and most importantly, i learned a valuable lesson. and my friend? she understood my situation and was there for me. she is part of my sisterhood. my literal confidante. submitted by /u/PreparationDue9801 [link] [comments]
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