Trip #1). The first time I did this me and my friend (we are going to call her A) decided to take 6 grams. Yes I know that this was a bad decision but prior to this i became really fascinated with psychedelic assisted therapy and I CONSTANTLY researched psychedelics AKA curiosity killed the cat. Anyways, after taking this heroic dose I began to feel this onset of anxiety like something wasn't right and I had made a mistake, about 30 minutes after taking these shrooms I began to feel as what I can only describe as being sucked into my own mind and my eyes were forced shut. Every time that I tried to regain control and open my eyes it was like I was overpowered by some other force and my eyes went straight back to being shut, sort of like I was in the back seat of this experience or surrendered to it. I tried to get up and walk around to fight it and wanted to turn on the light to sort of wake me up out of it but genuinely every time i tried to fight for control the shrooms essentially told me "Nope! too late we are doing this". After a very failed attempt to regain control it eventually got too overwhelming that I had to lay down and could not get up, verbalize, open my eyes, etc. During this experience It was genuinely the worst feelings I've ever felt x100 and I was scared out of my mind so my dad woke up, found out, and stayed there to comfort me. I remember continuously asking my dad if A was okay and if she was mad at me (who was having the complete opposite from my experience btw and was now sitting in my brothers room as he was the one who provided the shrooms and had taken them before) and continued to ask if each person I have ever cared about in my life was okay and if they were mad at me, next thing that happened was that I started yelling that I dont want to die, this part is especially strange for me because I have never had a fear of death and have struggled with being suicidal in the past due to the fact that ive viewed death as something rather comforting, My best guess is that I began to think "wow is this what death is because this is awful" and started questioning wether I was going to die or if I was just going insane. When I entered the peak of this trip I entered this state of what I think was detatchment where I became literal nothingness, I remember being aware of this blackness but I was not thinking, seeing, whatever, i simply just was this awareness and it was so so so peaceful compared to the awful feelings I had been experiencing before. After the peak I returned back into my body feeling just fine, I wasnt horrified by the experience, i wasnt scared anymore, I was just in this state of confusion and was lowk experiencing a little bit of euphoria and was just so curious as to what happened to me, Also It became really hard for me to articulate myself or verbalize what I was thinking which I remember finding it very weird that I could not express myself because I actually consider myself quite articulate and basically the complete opposite of "I cant quite find the words". Additionally during that whole experience I never saw any visuals because, like, I was sucked into my own mind but after all of that during the come down I saw spinning mandalas of who I presume is buddha, the mushrooms, and eyeballs just spinning around in the air. After this me and A watched avatar the last Airbender and went to bed, the next morning This massive insight dawned on me where I realized the reason I kept asking if everyone was okay and if they were mad at me was due to the fact that in my childhood I faced immense ostracism from my peers, (I wont go into detail but very very bad traumatic type, I also think was heavily due to the fact I am Audhd) and due to this trauma became a big people pleaser who constantly put others feelings before my own and was always stressed out that I would do something wrong or that there was something inherently wrong with me that would cause all of my friends and people I cared about to eventually discard me. I also realized how self critical I became due to my trauma and how before this experience I always overanalyzed any tiny mistake and would insult myself for it. After coming to this realization it was like I became free from being so ciritcal and constantly ruminating on what I was doing wrong and why I was always the issue. It lowkey feels like the shrooms burned that part of me away or brought it all to the surface to destroy while I was just sitting in the backseat and eventually detached from the very person I am.
In all that was my big first shroom experience and the other ones I have had have all followed the same pattern but each time has been a different major realization of an aspect about my identity that i created due to my trauma and how it was severly holding me back and causing me to suffer, each time leaving me with this feeling that, that part of me "died" during the experience.
If anyone could offer any insight as to what they think this all means or if anyone has had any similar experiences, I would be deeply appreciative over what you all might have to say.
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