Skip to main content

They flew me across the country to touch my boobs

Thumbnail
I live on the east coast of the US and one of my oldest friends, "Ella" lives on the west coast. When Ella's 30th birthday was coming up, her boyfriend of 18 months, "Felix"--who I'd never met--called me and said he wanted to surprise Ella for her birthday by flying me out there to stay with them for a few days. I thought it was really sweet and thoughtful.

When Felix picked me up at the airport, he immediately started saying how he didn't know if he and Ella were going to be together long term and just generally saying some not very nice things about her. It was really weird and inappropriate considering he knows we're good friends and I had never talked to this guy in my life. It made me wonder if he was trying to get me to pass this info along to her somehow? It also made me sad for my friend, because she thought they were really serious (they lived together) and were headed toward marriage.

I want to add here that Felix, while he had a lot of good qualities and was generally successful in life, was not the best looking guy and Ella was his first girlfriend. I point that out because the way he was talking to me about Ella was overly confident, like "Eh, I could do better" when in reality, he hadn't kissed a girl for the first 28 years of his life.

The first two days of my visit were great. Ella and Felix showed me around their city and the three of us got along great. On the 2nd night, while I'm getting ready for bed, Ella comes into the guest room, sits on the bed, and tells me about how Felix is REALLY into her boobs. Like, every time they had sex, he focuses on them and worships them to the point of it being kind of annoying and desperate. But she knew he'd never gotten his hands on breasts before her and had decades of pent-up desires to get out, so she let him do his thing.

Then she says, "I feel bad for him that he's never felt anyone's boobs but mine. And if we get married he'll only have felt one pair of boobs in his life. And mine are so small." I'm like, "mm-hmm, yeah." Then she says.......

"So I told him you would probably let him touch yours."

Now, I don't know if I ever gave Ella the impression that I was free with my body and just let random people grab whatever they wanted, but that is definitely not the case. I'm not a huge prude either, but I was 0% attracted to Felix and there was no chance I was letting him touch my nips, especially after the gross picture Ella had painted for me of him getting all weirdly worked up over hers. So I just shut it down. I was like, "Uh, that's not going to happen."

Ella was understanding, dropped it, and I didn't think it was that big of a deal. The way Ella had whispered all of this to me led me to believe that she was just trying to secretly help out her boyfriend, and he had no idea she and I ever had that conversation.

But the next day, Felix was acting noticeably cooler toward me, and I thought, *That's weird. What happened?* It actually took me a long time to put it all together--like, days--that not only did he know Ella was making that request of me the night before and that I'd said no, but that he had orchestrated this entire trip--had paid for my plane tickets--just for a chance to touch my boobs.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

So my wife’s going to a gala tonight — as her client’s “date.”

I’m 44 and my wife is 44. She works on an art advisory committee, so attending galas, events, and client meetings is part of her job. She often meets clients for coffee, lunch, or dinner, and I don’t always know the details and that’s completely normal because it’s part of her work. She’s always professional, transparent about her friendships, and I trust her judgment completely. Recently, she mentioned she’s going to a gala with a friend, S. He’s a wealthy client she met about a year ago, and they became friends professionally. She introduced me to him once, and he seems like a genuinely good person. He invited her as his “date” to this gala, and my wife said it’s fine. I did ask her though, if she’s actually going as a “date,” and she just laughed and said, “Date doesn’t always mean romantic.” She said it’s important for her she could get networking and meet new people. Then she smiled and said, “If I get into this gala next time, I won’t need to take that man with me, I’ll take you...
Post a Comment
Read more

Update- My fiance’s “vows disaster” just hit rehearsal day & it got worse

For context- my fiance accidentally sent our officiant his draft vows, the one full of placeholders like “insert emotional stuff here” and “make her cry but not ugly cry”? Yeahhh. He promised he fixed them. But he did not. At the rehearsal, the officiant asked if he wanted to do a practice run. My man confidently steps up, opens his phone & starts reading the exact same draft. He gets halfway through “insert heartfelt memory here” before realizing, mid-sentence - what’s happening. The entire wedding party is trying not to lose it. Our officiant just sighed and said, “Well, at least you’re honest.” He is now rewriting his vows under supervision like it’s a school detention. The bridesmaids made him a folder titled “FINAL FINAL vows - DO NOT SCREW UP.docx.” If the ceremony goes anything like this rehearsal, I might livestream it for educational purposes. (And yes, I posted the original chaos on r/WeddingJokes — I feel like I owe them an update at this point)
Post a Comment
Read more

That time I accidentally joined a random family’s BBQ and didn’t realize for 40 minutes

A few summers ago, my friend Federico texted me saying his family was having a casual BBQ at the park near the lake. I was tired from work but thought, hey, coke, sun, burgers why not? I arrive, and immediately I’m greeted by music, laughter, and the smell of grilled meat. People are tossing frisbees, kids are running around with popsicles, and a golden retriever is chasing its own tail. Someone waves at me and hands me a coke, saying, “Glad you made it, buddy!” I take it, thinking, wow, Federico's family really knows how to treat friends. I start helping flip burgers on the grill, chatting with a man who keeps giving me tips like I’ve done this a hundred times before. An older lady keeps calling me “sweetheart” and asking me about my job. I’m nodding, laughing, and trying to look like I belong everything feels super normal. I even help set up some chairs and hand out napkins. After like 20 minutes, a little girl hands me a plate of food and says, “You’re my favorite new uncle!” I...
Post a Comment
Read more