For some reason I was never taught to wash my ass growing up. It also felt "weird" to touch my own asshole with my bare hand, so I did not. I think I felt that wiping the ass after shitting was good enough, and it felt OK to do it because my fingers were shielded by layers of TP. We did not use washcloths in my household.
Note: I am now 57. I have had a spotless anular vault for decades now, which is the only way I'm able to relate this tale of utmost cringe without collapsing in on myself.
Back when I was 18 (and in the US Navy), it seemed perfectly normal to avoid that area when showering. And yes, my devil's valley was a hot mess. I would constantly get "gooey" back there, to where it felt like the molten curds of fecal gelatin would start sliding out of my shorts. My solution to this problem was to ball up toilet paper and insert a kind of "Sanitary Napkin" in there after pooping. That's right, rather than simply wash my butt, I came up with what I thought was a genius solution of tucking wads of TP back there to tamp down the gooey factor. And hey, it actually worked. I did this often in high school, but now started doing it almost every time I shat.
This weird solution resulted in one of the most embarrassing moments of my entire life. I was wearing loose shorts and wrestling around with one of my fellow sailors as one does. As we wrestled about, with several other sailors cheering us on, my Napkin Plug popped out and fell to the floor. Instantly everyone froze and went silent. We all looked at it, trying to determine what exactly we had here. It only took about 10 seconds. One side of the compacted tampon-sized wad was covered in brown rectal gel, the other was white, and it has clearly been "compressed" within a crack of fetid nature. My wrestling buddy looked at me with shock and said with a deadpan expression: "why do you have an ass tampon?". I had no good answer.
Lucky for me this incident occurred while I was in radar school, so I only had to endure the jokes & nicknames for a few weeks before I transferred to another school. I kept stuffing napkins up there like normal, but made sure to wear snug fitting jockey shorts at all times. PROBLEM SOLVED!!
Fast forward to a year later. (Yes folks this gets even worse). I was stationed in Southeast Asia. A very hot & humid climate. My napkin plugs, made of cheap one ply shipboard 'septic friendly' TP, would quickly soak through with sweat and fecal curds, and I would have to replace them often. A hassle, but what else was one to do? WASH?? Never occurred to me.
I started to feel an itch back there. The itch was mildly uncomfortable at first, but over a couple weeks it became maddening. One night at a dance club in Singapore all the sweat and movement had me on the brink of insanity with the itching and irritation. I began to feel actual concern for my well being. While in the club bathroom I pulled down my pants and looked over my shoulder into the mirror to see what has happening back there.
What I saw shook me to my core. My entire ass was covered in red, welted sores - some weeping and scratched open. I looked like some kind of disease victim. Even more concerning was that the closer it got to my anus, the rash got even more dense, red and scary. The source appeared to be my brown place. I had to open things up and take a peek...there was no choice here.
Slowly, I parted my ass cheeks to gaze into my very own Browneye of Sauron for the first time in my life. My cheeks were almost stuck together from the broken, leaking sores and scabs. The very center, my poor rectum, was like the red eye of a very angry fungal hurricane. Despite my tendency for denial, I immediately thought "I am going to die". It was like something you see in a medical textbook and ask "who lets this happen to themselves?". The best description I can think of is severe second degree burns which had been scratched open and smeared with human feces while leaking pus.
The very next morning I went to the doctor on the ship. I did NOT mention the whole Napkin Plug system, which I was very much afraid had contributed to my current issue. I just said "I have an infection back there I think".
Now, on a Navy ship there's a real doctor (an officer), but the person who preps you is often just a regular dude like you who's a basic med tech right out of boot camp. I will NEVER forget his reaction when I bent over the exam table and pulled down my underwear. God bless him. He \*tried\* to play it off like no big deal but I heard him stifle a deep gag and he immediately left the room, his face as pale as death.
The doctor, a seasoned Navy veteran, finally came in to me - on full display - and even he was like "OH!.... Oh boy...Oh boy" as he gazed upon the magnificence of my rotting, corpse-like rectal zone. He gave me a tub of antifungal ointment and told me "keep the area very clean"...which I immediately started doing. And since the ointment had to be placed directly on the whole zone I got very used to touching my most secret area...and soon, I was just like all of you...a normal, ass washing, ass touching, non infected man.
If you are a young (or even an old) person reading this with issues regarding personal hygiene, please learn from my lesson. PLEASE!!
\*\*\*\*\*EDIT: Please note! this story is from -- 38 years ago --. I no longer have a curd-encrusted "gooey" ass y'all! These days my anular vault is clean enough to act as a surgical suite. I wash daily and thoroughly. I appreciate the concern but I'm ok!
\*\*\*\*\*EDIT 2: So many people have asked me this question I'll go ahead & add the answer here for posterity. NO I was not a virgin during this situation. I was deflowered at the age of 17, and had "relations" several times into my 18th year. YES - This was during Napkin Plug years, and one time, while undressing for some lovemaking, my napkin plug fell out and landed the floor of my girlfriends bedroom. (normally I would have de-plugged in the restroom prior!) I was able to kick the thing under my clothes swiftly and avoid conflict. Also...I'm still friends with that girlfriend. I realize that she is probably going to read this and experience a kind of waking nightmare. For that, I am sorry. :)
\*\*\*\*\*EDIT 3: MAAAAAANY PEOPLE are asking "why did you still have so many fecal curds if you were wiping?". Well, for one, I was doing a bad job wiping. For two, even a small fecal curd, when left swaddled within the nest of my anular hair, can be compressed and 'pancaked' into a very large Fecal Footprint. If one is only wiping, not washing, these little nugglets tend to accumulate, and get smeared into the matted hair. I never noticed any bad smells, or was ever called out for it, and my friends at the time would 100% have told me if I stunk like shit. I also had a girlfriend who didst verily "go down" on me on more than one occasion (related to Edit 2 above) and nary a complaint was made. This is a testament to the effectiveness of the Napkin Plug system and, perhaps, to my genius?
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