I went into my twenty-two-year-old son’s room to collect the mugs. On his desk were these little silver cartridges, lined up beside his laptop. “For my BB gun,” he said. I took one downstairs and asked his dad. “Yep. Gas cartridges.” He barely looked away from the television. That was reassuring for about three seconds, until I realized I had received two identical answers from people who regularly ask me where we keep the towels. I found the packaging. “Then why does the box say whipped cream?” My husband paused the television. Apparently we had reached the part of the investigation where looking at the evidence was necessary. Upstairs, my son had suddenly become very interested in putting his laundry away. Specifically, putting it in front of his wardrobe. I asked him to open it. Inside was a whipped-cream dispenser, a milk frother, three bottles of syrup and a stack of plastic cups. Last month, I said we weren’t buying any more coffee equipment. We have a perfectly good coffee mach...
I was looking for a phone charger. That is the last point in this story at which I was behaving normally. In my wife’s bedside drawer, I found something green. With a button. Whatever you just pictured: yes. My brain went there too. Except mine immediately hired a lawyer. A small, sensible part of me suggested asking my wife what it was. Unfortunately, that part of me apparently has no voting rights. I picked it up. It had some weight to it. Suspicious. It was underneath a book. Concealed. Also suspicious. Please understand that once you’ve decided you’re a detective, even somebody reading becomes evidence. I pressed the button. It yodeled. I cannot adequately explain how unprepared my theory was for Alpine folk music. Then I heard claws on the hallway floor. Our Labrador came around the corner, parked himself directly in front of me, and performed the most professional sit of his career. He knew the sound. He knew the procedure. Somehow, I interpreted this as further evidence that I ...