I went into my sixty-eight-year-old aunt’s garage to borrow some folding chairs. Beside my uncle’s model railway were six tubes of this fancy cream. “Modelling supplies,” Uncle Colin said. I picked one up. “Shea butter?” “For the hands. After the modelling.” A surprisingly expensive solution from a man who washes paintbrushes in old baked-bean tins. Then I noticed his nails. They were immaculate. Not clean. Colin has always been clean. These had shape. Shine. A finish usually reserved for cars he isn’t allowed to touch at exhibitions. “June’s been practising,” he said. “Practising what?” He looked towards the garden. I found Aunt June outside the summerhouse, moving a hanging basket directly in front of the window. “What’s in there?” “Garden things.” “Can I get the chairs?” “I’ll bring them round.” This was unusual enthusiasm for lifting furniture from someone who normally considers pointing a sufficient contribution. I opened the door. Inside were two armchairs, a stack of little tow...
I went into my twenty-two-year-old son’s room to collect the mugs. On his desk were these little silver cartridges, lined up beside his laptop. “For my BB gun,” he said. I took one downstairs and asked his dad. “Yep. Gas cartridges.” He barely looked away from the television. That was reassuring for about three seconds, until I realized I had received two identical answers from people who regularly ask me where we keep the towels. I found the packaging. “Then why does the box say whipped cream?” My husband paused the television. Apparently we had reached the part of the investigation where looking at the evidence was necessary. Upstairs, my son had suddenly become very interested in putting his laundry away. Specifically, putting it in front of his wardrobe. I asked him to open it. Inside was a whipped-cream dispenser, a milk frother, three bottles of syrup and a stack of plastic cups. Last month, I said we weren’t buying any more coffee equipment. We have a perfectly good coffee mach...