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I'm a personal trainer at a 24-hour gym. I found out why the night shift clients lose weight so fast.

January is the month of lies. If you’ve worked in the fitness industry as long as I have, you eventually learn to hate the calendar. January 2nd marks the beginning of the migration of repentant souls. They arrive in schools, wearing lycra clothes that still smell like the store, carrying colorful water bottles, fueled by the fragile determination of someone who spent three weeks stuffing their face with holiday roast and sides and now wants a pop star’s body before Carnival. We call this "Project Summer." I call it "Project Desperation." My name is Danilo. I’m a personal trainer and floor instructor at *IronFit 24h*, one of those low-cost gym chains that have spread through São Paulo like a fungal plague. Black walls, neon yellow lights, electronic music played too loud, and membership fees that are way too cheap. I work the shift nobody wants: midnight to six in the morning. It’s a lonely shift. The crowd at that hour is usually made up of insomniacs, ER doctors,...
Recent posts

I helped a crying guy at the laundromat months ago and today he helped me back without hesitation

The laundromat near my apartment is one of those places that always feels slightly sad. Not tragic sad, just fluorescent lighting, plastic chairs, the smell of warm detergent, and people staring at spinning clothes like theyre waiting for their life to do something. I go there on Sundays because my buildings washer likes to break at the worst times. It was late afternoon, raining outside, and I was doing laundry with the same energy I do everything lately. Functional, quiet, dont think too much. I had my headphones in and a basket on my hip, loading the machine when I noticed him. A guy around my age sitting on the far end hunched over like he was trying to fold himself into the chair. He kept wiping his face with his sleeve. At first I assumed allergies. Then I heard the sound, not sobbing, not loud crying, just that tight shaky breathing people do when theyre trying to cry silently so nobody can tell. I did the normal thing, I looked away. Because in public youre supposed to pretend...

I helped a stranger pick an interview outfit, and months later she saved my worst day

A few months ago I was killing time at a thrift store after work, doing that slow aimless browsing you do when youre too tired to go straight home. I had my headphones around my neck and my tote bag on my shoulder and I guess from a distance I looked like I worked there. Because this woman walks up to me in the blazer aisle and goes really quiet, "Hi sorry, do you work here?" I shouldve said no but my brain did that thing where it tries to be helpful before it tries to be honest so I just said, "Uh what do you need?" She exhales like shes been holding her breath for an hour. "I have an interview tomorrow. I havent done one in years. I dont even know what Im supposed to look like anymore." She wasnt dramatic about it, just embarrassed. Like asking for help was the part that hurt. So I said okay show me what youre considering. She had three options. A blazer that swallowed her whole, a blouse that looked like it had survived a war, and a dress that was actu...

I left a note in my apartment hallway as a joke, and it accidentally became the reason I didn’t feel alone anymore

When I moved into my new place I was in that phase where I kept telling people I was "fine" and technically I wasnt lying. Like I had wifi, I had unpacked maybe three boxes. I had one plate, one fork, and Im pretty sure the spoon was actually from a yogurt cup. Most nights id eat cereal for dinner. Sometimes just peanut butter on a tortilla standing at the counter. Then id scroll tiktok until my eyes burned and fall asleep to those true crime videos where the guy has a weirdly soothing voice. Just so it wasn't so quiet. Anyway the building has this elevator thats been "temporarily out of service" since like 1987. One night it broke again, shocker, and someone from management taped up a sign: ELEVATOR OUT OF ORDER (AGAIN). SORRY. I was having one of those evenings where you feel like you need to do something or youll go insane so I grabbed a sticky note and added underneath: If you need help with groceries or whatever Im in 3B - Alex Then immediately thought wha...

The wife and I soiled ourselves after CiCi’s Pizza

So today the wife(22F) and I(22M) saw an ad on instagram for $6 CiCi’s pizza. We love a good deal so we had to go, regardless of the quality of food. We didn’t get the deal, but we were already there so paid full price anyways. CiCi’s was pretty mid, but we ate a ton for $20(20 slices), so overall would rate it 6/10. After this, we walked around a discount furniture store nearby just to look around. I farted a little in the store on the couches without issue. After this we decided to go get gas on our way home. We were at the Circle K (God bless Circle K). My wife asked me some dumb question and I responded saying “you know what I think about that?” and then attempted to fart. It was not in fact a fart, I shat myself. She didn’t realize I tried to fart, as the shit was mostly silent. I then told her I had to go in to the store, to the bathroom, because I shat myself. She was so confused, asking if I was joking, because we were only a minute from home. I realized she was right, so wadd...

My Closest Encounter With the Mafia - Pittsburgh, PA

For context, I am referencing the famous tweet that blew up a few years ago, and adding my own encounter- "My closest encounter with the mafia is I went to a starkly empty pizza place in Rhode Island once, they seemed utterly confused that I wanted a pizza, it took 45 minutes to make, they gave it to me for free, and it was the best pizza I've ever had" Now here's my story: I'm a Chicago Cubs fan, but have lived in the Pittsburgh, PA area all my life. Earlier this season, when the Pirates were in Chicago, I decided to go to a sports bar to watch the game. Specifically one I've driven past a bunch but never given a try. Pittsburgh Sports Bar in Castle Shannon. I went in there about 5-10 minutes before first pitch, in my Cubs gear, and there was one woman tending the bar, with an old couple sitting at the end of the bar. They both stared at me as I came in, as if I was an alien. Figured it was because I was wearing opposing team's gear. No greeting or anyth...

The Loud Neighbours Went Silent.

There was a husband and wife who argued constantly in the house opposite my front door. I had just moved into the area so I wasn't sure how long this had been going on for. One day the sounds came to a halt. Maybe they had resolved their issues or maybe divorced. A few days later the police found the wife's cut up body in a suitcase in the local body of water, and the husband was arrested. Haven't heard any other news since.