22/F. Utah. Uinta Basin. I moved here six months ago for a job I don't even like. My coworkers are fine but they're all married with kids and their idea of a wild Friday is happy hour at Applebee's. I needed friends. I needed to get out of my apartment. I needed something. So I joined a run club. Found them on a local Facebook group. Casual trail runners. All levels welcome. The photos were normal. Smiling people holding post run coffees. Sweaty selfies at trailheads. Everyone looked happy. Everyone looked safe. The first run was a Saturday morning. Five miles. Easy pace. I showed up nervous, new shoes, water bottle, pepper spray on my keychain because I'm not stupid. I know what it's like to be a woman alone. I know the rules. Don't walk to your car with headphones in. Don't leave your drink unattended. Don't trust a man just because he smiles at you. But he had a really nice smile. Let's call him Jake. I don't want to use his real name. I don...
This is incredibly difficult for me to talk about. I feel, I don’t know, ashamed, I guess. Like I’ve somehow failed as a parent. When I was growing up, I thought my parents hated me. I never wanted that for my daughter. I wanted her to know how much I loved her. That my love was unconditional. I’ve never felt as proud as I did the day she came into this world. It was almost like looking into a mirror. She had my eyes. My ears. Our noses were practically identical. And her smile, God, it was like nothing else mattered in the entire world. I wanted her to have that same pride in herself. I never wanted her to ever feel any self-hatred. That’s another thing my parents made me feel. I didn’t get their pride. I didn’t get their love. I got cold stares. I got nights where I couldn’t sleep because Mom’s cries were so loud. I didn’t ask for my family. I didn’t ask to be assigned to them. They were supposed to accept me, and they failed, miserably. I guess the universe has a strange sense of h...